Wednesday, September 6, 2017

On fear and moving forward

I quit my job.
I quit my job.
My "full-time, I went to school for this and built a career out of it" J.O.B.

It was an important job.
One that made me feel fulfilled, useful, and important as well.
It was the kind of job they make TV shows out of.
It was everything I knew for the last 12 years. It had become ME.




I used to have a quote on my office bulletin board by a running coach and Boston Marathon winner named John J. Kelley. "The things we do should consume us. If they don't our lives won't have any meaning." (Here is an amazing article about him: Runner's World)

I was consumed. And I loved it.
My career there was influenced by great mentors. I was surrounded by people who are like family to me. They inspired and guided me to be a better lawyer and to seek justice at every turn.

But in being consumed by it, I started to lose myself and my happiness. Who was I when the job I loved so much gave me a pit of despair in my stomach every Sunday night. And that despair translated to a short fuse with my family, a sour disposition, and using drinking as an avoidance technique. None of it was good anymore.

And now that I've quit. Who the hell am I?

"...it's no easy feat to let go of a dream (and identity) you've held for most of your life. I had built my self-worth around what I did for a living. I had let it define me, so when I finally cut the cord and closed the door, I entered a full-blown identity crisis." (Melissa Ambrosini)

If I wasn't a lawyer and prosecutor, who was I?
Who am I?

That's a hard question to answer, isn't it? We tend to define ourselves by the roles we fill in life:
Daughter
Caregiver
Mother
Sister
Wife
Friend
Worker

But who are you before those things and who are you after? What gets carried with you and how does that impact what you do in this world?

I'm still sorting it out. And I have to be OK with that.

I think, in a way, I'm mourning the loss of something that I used to be. But as I move to accepting it and regaining my feelings of worth and my identity without that job that used to consume me, I feel a desire to be consumed by something else--an unstoppable mission to help other people live a life they are proud of. I want everyone to wake up in the morning excited about what the day will bring. I want people to feel joy in moving their bodies and filling themselves with powerful energy-giving fuel. I want people to be at their best so that they can pass it along to others who might be hurting and struggling--whether that is emotionally, physically, spiritually, or financially.

I do not have much figured out, but I feel joy in learning.
I want to inspire others to close their eyes and jump. (As scary as it may be!) To chose a path, make a decision and stop drifting along, letting things happen to them.

I want others to live free from fear, doubt, and scarcity. I want love, intention, and abundance. I want to lay my head on the pillow each night knowing I got the most I could out of the day and served others with an open heart.

And where that takes me...well, we shall see. But making a scary decision that wasn't based in fear was one of the best things I've ever done. I don't have it figured out. It isn't all sunshine and rainbows and coffee on the porch. But better the unknown with a clear mission than the regret of never having taken a chance. Better to fly and fall and get back up again than to sit in the nest waiting and wondering what could be out there.



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